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Redefining life.


Before I could grasp the severity of the situation it had already begun. The chaos in my life never got sorted and I had to detangle myself from it to be physically, mentally and emotionally available for them, my parents.. It is difficult for me to see them in such a different stage of life..oldage. I knew it was near but I wasnt prepared just yet. I have always run to them to solve my problems, to get their support, to come out of my misery. I wasnt used to give support to them. I always thought of myself as that little girl whom dad used to bring flowers for.


The constant hospitalization got the better of me . Maybe I wasn't ready for this kind of intensity, involving the minutest detail. I think I could have done better....much better.. in handling everything differently. The exams, my early periods ..the covid situation , no maids and the constant anxiety disabled me to function normally. Oh! the excuses are endless still the fact remains the same...I could have done better.

These sudden life changing moments have made me a bit reclusive. The feeling of sadness is towering and the maddening demands of the routines we set for ourselves are incessant. Still there are moments...when your kids hug you and say I love you mom...when they wipe your tears off with their itsy- bitsy palms and tell you that everything will be fine. There are moments when some random stranger in the hospital is so benevolent to you that you feel everything's gonna be alright.

The hope people have in their last moments make you understand the reason you have to be strong. And by strong I dont mean to lose emotions and not cry. The one thing I did in all these distressful situations was to cry...to be strong doesnt mean to not cry. Crying releases stress and makes you stronger to face setbacks. When you are sad you are bound to cry. It just shows you are strong and emotional. You face each day fighting the feeling of dread and uncertainty. You think you are lonely struggling in the darkness when everyone around you is there for you, to support you, to help you. All you need to do is ask..
Our journeys in life are full of twists and turns, some delightful and some awful, still the journey needs to be taken. The experience teaches us a lot , again the very fundamental fact that nothing is constant and this time will also pass regains elucidation.

The C word is God awful. However the chemo therapy after it is the redefining factor. It sucks the life out of a person. Whenever I heard Cancer and chemo in the past I was aware that it was a monstrous disease but no one can substantiate and compare hearsay with the journey of a loved one through it.

It shrivels your body and plays with your emotions. It gives you the pre mortuary experience and sends a chill down your spine every time you think about the time you have spent in the morbid lobbies of the hospital. It makes you wonder about your life choices and the frivolous things you worry about. It gives you a whole new perspective on life itself. Above all the things , it makes you grateful for all that you have got. Cheers!

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